alienated.net

low highlights on a musical timeline

March 1935: "I got nipples on my titties big as the end of my thumb / I got something 'tween my legs'll make a dead man come" – Lucille Bogan's definitive version of "Shave 'em Dry".

October 1956: In-between teaching Jerry Lee Lewis to play piano and co-writing Elvis' first number one hit, Charlie Feathers releases "Can't Hardly Stand It," the blueprint for greasy, deceptively sloppy-sounding rockabilly songs about gettin' drunk and cheatin' from here until the Cramps. Thom Jurek on Feathers: "like a flood on a suburban street – the sewer blocks up and all sorts of crazy shit pours out into the gutter".

January 1957: On his third appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, Elvis is filmed from the waist up to disguise the gyratin'.

February 1959: Ray Charles and the Raeletts record "What'd I Say" parts 1 and 2, the original-and-still-champeen use of the sound of people coming in pop music. My mom's response, circa 1999: "Oh dear."

1962: "The women don't know but the little girls understand" (Howlin' Wolf's definitive version of Willie Dixon's "Back Door Man". When the Wolf goes on to record Dixon's "[I'm A] Tail Dragger", many people suspect that he's not actually referring to a tail as such).

February 1967: British narcs raid Keith Richards' Redlands estate, spawning an urban legend that the bobbies caught Mick Jagger eating a Mars Bar out of Marianne Faithfull's vagina. Faithfull: "A cop's idea of what people do on acid".

March 1969: Jim Morrison waves the snake on-stage at Dinner Key Auditorium, Miami; several weeks later, the police charge him with lewd and lascivious behaviour. In 1970, he's found guilty and sentenced to six months hard labour. Released pending an appeal, he moves to France, gets fat, overdoses and dies before the court date.

July 1969: Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham, a redheaded groupie and a live red snapper get it on in a bed at Seattle's Edgewater Hotel. Bonham: "That girl must have come 20 times." In June 1971 at the Fillmore East, Frank Zappa immortalizes the incident in his song "Mud Shark".

November 1975: Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold" adopted as the stripper national anthem.

May 1976: Aerosmith pauses briefly between rails of Peruvian flake and bouts of modelfucking to release the nigh-indestructible, euphemistically titled Rocks. Teenagers everywhere discover a curious acoustic anomaly: it is impossible to play "Back in the Saddle" (the nigh-indestructible, euphemistically titled first single) too loudly on a car stereo.

1971: "Theme from Shaft" nets Isaac Hayes two Oscars and barely imaginable amounts of booty. Shut your mouth.

1976: Ray Manzarek bails Iggy Pop out of Hollywood jail: "… out comes this weaving, wavering, staggering James 'Iggy Pop' Osterberg, wearing a dress … a full-length dress. I looked at him and said, 'Jim, is that a woman's dress?' And Iggy said, 'No, Ray, I beg to differ. This is a man's dress.'"

November 1977: During a sock hop, "You say you hungry / I give you meat" (Queen, "Get Down, Make Love") scandalizes my Grade 6 teacher, who confiscates the 45.

1983: Boy George on Prince: "He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair."

1989: Guns 'n' Roses "Sweet Child o' Mine" is MTV's Best Heavy Metal video. Axl. Leather pants. Tattoos. 'nuff said. Years later, I proposed marriage to a woman I'd never met because she rocked the Gladstone Karaoke Night with "Sweet Child." Thanks, Axl!

1989: Boss Hog's first gig at CBGB; Cristina Martinez performs buck naked.

August 7, 1991 (my birthday): 15,000 Torontonians at the first Lollapallooza Festival demonstrate that they know all the words to Ice T's "Let's Get Buck Naked and Fuck".

June 1993: Liz Phair's Exile in Guyville describes all the dirty, dirty sex she has with her boyfriend.

April 1995: "I fuck you in the ass, just for a laugh / with the quickspeed I'll make your nose-bleed / I ride the premenstrual cycle" (Tricky, "Abbaon Fat Tracks")

January 1996: Tori Amos shaves every place you've been.

October 1996: "Throw your hands in the air and kiss my ass 'cause your girlfriend still loves me" (Jon Spencer, "Can't Stop")

2002: Snoop Dogg's first porno flick, Doggystyle, earns two trophies at the 2002 Adult Video News Awards and is named Top Selling Tape of 2001. Available On VHS or DVD.

March 2004: Courtney Love photographed letting a complete stranger suckle her newly redone boobs outside a Wendy's in NYC. Ew.

Honourable Mentions (aka, Official List of People Who Try Too Hard): Nashville Pussy, Nine Inch Nails, Lydia Lunch, Andrew WK, WASP, Marilyn Manson, Nelly, Rick James, L'il Kim, Danko Jones, GG Allin